If wishes were horses…
Apr. 28th, 2024 02:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsI wish I could watch TV. But it stresses me the fuck out. My sis just put on the Fallout TV show and I couldn’t watch past the first five minutes. I feel like I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I over identify with the characters, the colors are too bright, and for this show, the subject matter is too scary. Not to mention that I didn’t start out the day wanting to watch Fallout, and in fact, I didn’t think I wanted to watch Fallout at all (except on my own selfish terms).
I’m not mad at my sister, I’m glad that she can watch and enjoy TV shows and movies. But I feel bad, I feel like TV/movies are almost universally enjoyed and I’m finding that I don’t really enjoy it at all except for a very few shows (usually cartoons or anime, where I can more easily separate myself out from the characters and the subject matter). I just feel slightly lonely and disconnected since it feels like my dad and sister are big movie buffs. I enjoyed them too, but I found that they gave me what I called movie hangovers especially if we watched them in theaters. I would have a headache, feel slightly sick to my stomach, and extremely tired and eventually it didn’t become worth the cost, and then Covid happened and then my dad never got to watch another movie in theaters.
When he was fighting cancer, a lot of times the only thing he had energy for was watching movies in his room. The problem with this is he liked to watch loud action-type movies, and the only comfortable place in his room to sit down in was his chair. I hope he wasn’t too lonely at the end. I really wish we had thought to hire someone sooner so we could spend quality time with him not as his caretakers but as his kids.
I used to love apocalyptic movies. I felt safe with them because I felt like my life was falling apart around me almost constantly. But I guess as I grow older I can’t take it. I would prefer an apocalyptic show that’s about the flora and fauna that survive if humans manage to take each other out. That’s about the only comfort I feel right now, that if something happens, nature will find a way.
I hope that the afterlife is a place of comfort, and that selfishness is eradicated if we continue to have selves. I’m trying to do the best I can while I’m alive. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, just struggling a little with hopelessness.
-
On a separate medical note. I had a biopsy done on the hive-things that pop up mostly on my hands during really stressful times of my life. For example: they pop up during finals week, and they practically covered my entire hands when my dad was dying. So they took a big flap of skin and sent it off to be tested.
They called me back later to tell me they had found signs of “connectivity disease” and that they recommended my PCP refer me to rheumatology. Which is… kind of scary. I looked it up and the scariest things for connectivity disease show up as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. I dunno, I feel like my PCP has tested my blood before for rheumatoid signs and didn’t find anything but I guess a rheumatoidologist (??? [google tell me what to call a doctor of rheumatology Answer: a rheumatologist]) will be able to hopefully say more about the symptoms I’ve been having.
I’ve been struggling a bit with being a grown-up. I’m only 32 and I feel older. I feel like my body is finally telling me: man, you gotta change some shit. I’m gonna make you feel like shit if you don’t start eating right and stretch and take care of me! So I’m trying to do better.
-
Also this week has been shit. On Monday-ish stretching off the side of the couch to reach my dog I twisted a muscle or pinched a nerve or some shit because it hurt really bad. Later that night my back hurt but my leg hurt worse. Bad enough that I went straight to my heavy-duty meds (which is what they’re there for me, don’t feel bad about it and when I started feeling better I stopped taking them!). I was in pain for like 3 days but thankfully each day I started feeling a little better.
Then a couple days ago I had really bad acid reflux like I hadn’t had in years. Waking up to acid in my mouth bad. Eventually at like 7am I got up and just made myself puke to get it over with sooner since the TUMs weren’t doing anything it felt like.
My sister has been a demon cleaning up the house while I’m stuck slug-like on the couch and feeling bad about it and telling myself it’s okay that I haven’t been doing as many things as I should because I’ve been feeling like shit this week
It’s a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. I have to accept that I will be a work in progress until I die and hopefully things will be better there (or I won’t be aware enough to care).
I’m not mad at my sister, I’m glad that she can watch and enjoy TV shows and movies. But I feel bad, I feel like TV/movies are almost universally enjoyed and I’m finding that I don’t really enjoy it at all except for a very few shows (usually cartoons or anime, where I can more easily separate myself out from the characters and the subject matter). I just feel slightly lonely and disconnected since it feels like my dad and sister are big movie buffs. I enjoyed them too, but I found that they gave me what I called movie hangovers especially if we watched them in theaters. I would have a headache, feel slightly sick to my stomach, and extremely tired and eventually it didn’t become worth the cost, and then Covid happened and then my dad never got to watch another movie in theaters.
When he was fighting cancer, a lot of times the only thing he had energy for was watching movies in his room. The problem with this is he liked to watch loud action-type movies, and the only comfortable place in his room to sit down in was his chair. I hope he wasn’t too lonely at the end. I really wish we had thought to hire someone sooner so we could spend quality time with him not as his caretakers but as his kids.
I used to love apocalyptic movies. I felt safe with them because I felt like my life was falling apart around me almost constantly. But I guess as I grow older I can’t take it. I would prefer an apocalyptic show that’s about the flora and fauna that survive if humans manage to take each other out. That’s about the only comfort I feel right now, that if something happens, nature will find a way.
I hope that the afterlife is a place of comfort, and that selfishness is eradicated if we continue to have selves. I’m trying to do the best I can while I’m alive. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, just struggling a little with hopelessness.
-
On a separate medical note. I had a biopsy done on the hive-things that pop up mostly on my hands during really stressful times of my life. For example: they pop up during finals week, and they practically covered my entire hands when my dad was dying. So they took a big flap of skin and sent it off to be tested.
They called me back later to tell me they had found signs of “connectivity disease” and that they recommended my PCP refer me to rheumatology. Which is… kind of scary. I looked it up and the scariest things for connectivity disease show up as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. I dunno, I feel like my PCP has tested my blood before for rheumatoid signs and didn’t find anything but I guess a rheumatoidologist (??? [google tell me what to call a doctor of rheumatology Answer: a rheumatologist]) will be able to hopefully say more about the symptoms I’ve been having.
I’ve been struggling a bit with being a grown-up. I’m only 32 and I feel older. I feel like my body is finally telling me: man, you gotta change some shit. I’m gonna make you feel like shit if you don’t start eating right and stretch and take care of me! So I’m trying to do better.
-
Also this week has been shit. On Monday-ish stretching off the side of the couch to reach my dog I twisted a muscle or pinched a nerve or some shit because it hurt really bad. Later that night my back hurt but my leg hurt worse. Bad enough that I went straight to my heavy-duty meds (which is what they’re there for me, don’t feel bad about it and when I started feeling better I stopped taking them!). I was in pain for like 3 days but thankfully each day I started feeling a little better.
Then a couple days ago I had really bad acid reflux like I hadn’t had in years. Waking up to acid in my mouth bad. Eventually at like 7am I got up and just made myself puke to get it over with sooner since the TUMs weren’t doing anything it felt like.
My sister has been a demon cleaning up the house while I’m stuck slug-like on the couch and feeling bad about it and telling myself it’s okay that I haven’t been doing as many things as I should because I’ve been feeling like shit this week
It’s a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. I have to accept that I will be a work in progress until I die and hopefully things will be better there (or I won’t be aware enough to care).
