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Jul. 13th, 2025 04:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logs My sister is dating again. Her new boyfriend is named Jay and he's coming over to the house on Tuesday. I am reluctantly letting him in. At least my sister listened to my request that she know him for (at least) a month before letting him in the house.
He's a liberal, a gamer, an ex-mormon, and when my sister was passing a kidney stone at the mall on the floor he hummed a song from Lord of the Rings and made her feel better. For that alone I like him, but my anxiety is a towering and eldritch being.
I've always had trouble connecting with other people. Like I'm locked behind glass and other people can't get through. I like to think everyone feels like this at least once. But I've been depressed for most of my life and my social anxiety seems to be growing like crazy. I'm glad I have a psych appointment on Tuesday because I am freaking out. Shit, I just realized I have a psych appointment on Tuesday when Jay is going to be here. UGHHHHH.
There's also a heat wave happening. My air conditioner died. We replaced it with a new one but to do so my sister's friend came and installed it and took away the desk that was sitting in front of my window and put the desk in the attic room. I now appreciate that in 93 degree weather my air conditioner can keep it at 71 degrees (and that was after we had to empty it of water because I ran the de-humidifier last night because it doesn't make as much noise as the regular AC part. I took a nap today and tried out the Loops my sister gave me and luckily I was able to sleep with them in fairly comfortably and they definitely reduced the noise. Not all the way, but enough that the annoying ticking went away. The real test is going to be tonight when I go to bed-bed. When I go to my therapist's city I'll try them again, when driving this time, because the highway there is pretty loud.
An update on my car. I got it taken in because the electric completely died at one point. It's hilarious actually because it died when me and my sister were running errands, and dropped off our taxes/checks. The AC went first which sucked cuz it was hot, then my electrical systems and lights on my dash started going crazy. We luckily managed to make it home without coming to a full stop the entire way, and I called Honda, and they had me tow it out. Then ensued a whole drama about rental cars, and loaner cars, and being-without-a-car. They ended up replacing my timing belt which had apparently snapped.
Then a month later the same thing happened again. AC going out, dashboard lights going crazy, and my engine when I was getting closer to home started sounding like I was trying to go 70mph when I was actually trying to go like 25mph. I called Honda again, and then had it towed into the lot. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. And I called in and said "hey what the heck?" and they said "OH. Didn't realize it was out in the lot. Shit, we'll get right to it." And I said I WANT A LOANER, and they said okay well come out here then. So I got an uber and when we got there I realized why they didn't know my car was in the lot, the whole place is undergoing a complete remodel.
They had me driving an SUV which, was weird. I am very much not an SUV guy, so I felt like a poser lmao. I feel like SUV's are for people with family and children, or at least a spouse and a big dog. The car problems ended up being the alternator at a whopping $900. They think it failed because of the oil leak in my car that they hope they managed to stop.
I got some new shoes, sketchers, because they're soft and I hope that helps with the pain I have when standing. I worry about working and standing all day. I don't have to do that yet, but I also want to not be in pain when walking around a mall or a bookstore.
So. People. I like people. For the most part. They scare me. I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. I told my therapist that interacting with people sometimes feels like they're lifting my shirt to show off an open wound and they're just going ahead and sticking their fingers in and feeling around.
I talked about how I feel like a bad person to her and she said that anyone who agonizes as much as I do over feeling like a bad person, and talks about ethics is probably not a bad person.
I want to do something to help people. I feel like that's what I want to do with my life. But I also want to be comfortable while doing it. A book I'm reading tells me that doing anything new, is always going to be scary, because the fear of doing something new fades with actually doing it. It made me remember that the first day of school always terrified me and it started getting better the more I started getting used to the routine. So the first day of my first job is going to be Hell. I did apply for a library assistant job. Didn't get it, but it helped me realize that that's something I really wouldn't mind doing. I also wouldn't mind (too much) being a receptionist. They're both things I've somewhat done before. I volunteered at my high school library, and I volunteered as a front desk person at my college's QRC. I like the thought of being helpful.
I haven't heard from my PT friend. She's probably really stressed with everything that's going on, a new house, a new baby, possibly a new job. I have vague thoughts about reaching out but I've been the one reaching out this entire time. So I just. Stopped.
So, it's somewhat selfish, but my sister getting a new boyfriend is just reminding me of everything that I don't have and am not even sure I want? I want a friend who is like me for the most part. I want someone I can feel comfortable with (but according to the large paragraph up there, it's probably going to be scary to get used to in the beginning and I just have to push through it.
He's a liberal, a gamer, an ex-mormon, and when my sister was passing a kidney stone at the mall on the floor he hummed a song from Lord of the Rings and made her feel better. For that alone I like him, but my anxiety is a towering and eldritch being.
I've always had trouble connecting with other people. Like I'm locked behind glass and other people can't get through. I like to think everyone feels like this at least once. But I've been depressed for most of my life and my social anxiety seems to be growing like crazy. I'm glad I have a psych appointment on Tuesday because I am freaking out. Shit, I just realized I have a psych appointment on Tuesday when Jay is going to be here. UGHHHHH.
There's also a heat wave happening. My air conditioner died. We replaced it with a new one but to do so my sister's friend came and installed it and took away the desk that was sitting in front of my window and put the desk in the attic room. I now appreciate that in 93 degree weather my air conditioner can keep it at 71 degrees (and that was after we had to empty it of water because I ran the de-humidifier last night because it doesn't make as much noise as the regular AC part. I took a nap today and tried out the Loops my sister gave me and luckily I was able to sleep with them in fairly comfortably and they definitely reduced the noise. Not all the way, but enough that the annoying ticking went away. The real test is going to be tonight when I go to bed-bed. When I go to my therapist's city I'll try them again, when driving this time, because the highway there is pretty loud.
An update on my car. I got it taken in because the electric completely died at one point. It's hilarious actually because it died when me and my sister were running errands, and dropped off our taxes/checks. The AC went first which sucked cuz it was hot, then my electrical systems and lights on my dash started going crazy. We luckily managed to make it home without coming to a full stop the entire way, and I called Honda, and they had me tow it out. Then ensued a whole drama about rental cars, and loaner cars, and being-without-a-car. They ended up replacing my timing belt which had apparently snapped.
Then a month later the same thing happened again. AC going out, dashboard lights going crazy, and my engine when I was getting closer to home started sounding like I was trying to go 70mph when I was actually trying to go like 25mph. I called Honda again, and then had it towed into the lot. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. And I called in and said "hey what the heck?" and they said "OH. Didn't realize it was out in the lot. Shit, we'll get right to it." And I said I WANT A LOANER, and they said okay well come out here then. So I got an uber and when we got there I realized why they didn't know my car was in the lot, the whole place is undergoing a complete remodel.
They had me driving an SUV which, was weird. I am very much not an SUV guy, so I felt like a poser lmao. I feel like SUV's are for people with family and children, or at least a spouse and a big dog. The car problems ended up being the alternator at a whopping $900. They think it failed because of the oil leak in my car that they hope they managed to stop.
I got some new shoes, sketchers, because they're soft and I hope that helps with the pain I have when standing. I worry about working and standing all day. I don't have to do that yet, but I also want to not be in pain when walking around a mall or a bookstore.
So. People. I like people. For the most part. They scare me. I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. I told my therapist that interacting with people sometimes feels like they're lifting my shirt to show off an open wound and they're just going ahead and sticking their fingers in and feeling around.
I talked about how I feel like a bad person to her and she said that anyone who agonizes as much as I do over feeling like a bad person, and talks about ethics is probably not a bad person.
I want to do something to help people. I feel like that's what I want to do with my life. But I also want to be comfortable while doing it. A book I'm reading tells me that doing anything new, is always going to be scary, because the fear of doing something new fades with actually doing it. It made me remember that the first day of school always terrified me and it started getting better the more I started getting used to the routine. So the first day of my first job is going to be Hell. I did apply for a library assistant job. Didn't get it, but it helped me realize that that's something I really wouldn't mind doing. I also wouldn't mind (too much) being a receptionist. They're both things I've somewhat done before. I volunteered at my high school library, and I volunteered as a front desk person at my college's QRC. I like the thought of being helpful.
I haven't heard from my PT friend. She's probably really stressed with everything that's going on, a new house, a new baby, possibly a new job. I have vague thoughts about reaching out but I've been the one reaching out this entire time. So I just. Stopped.
So, it's somewhat selfish, but my sister getting a new boyfriend is just reminding me of everything that I don't have and am not even sure I want? I want a friend who is like me for the most part. I want someone I can feel comfortable with (but according to the large paragraph up there, it's probably going to be scary to get used to in the beginning and I just have to push through it.
