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catharsis_logsI went to the second No-Kings demonstration because I'd woken up super early to go to my local library's book sale and noticed the protest like a street or two away. I had already parked, and I'd heard somewhere that the protest was going to end at 1pm and I was there at 12pm, so all I did was stand on the corner with some other people, and smile and wave at the folks who honked in solidarity and view with slight sadness the folks who weren't.
Before all that I'd half-jokingly told a guy at my local used bookstore that if he ever needed to hire anyone (because he'd been talking to some other customers about reopening a store in another town) I was available and he told me to give him a resume. I said that it wouldn't be a good resume and he said that didn't really matter just having the thing might help him to like remember I'd applied lmao. So I worked on my resume, printed it out at Staples and handed it in. I again told him it wasn't great and he said almost the only requirement was that I needed to like books and he knew I did that so. We'll see if he ever calls. He did say he wasn't hiring currently, but who knows, maybe in the future lol. I'd be suprised, but I'm surprised that I applied and didn't chicken out in first place, so.
Part of all this might be that I finally frankly sat down with my psych and went 'okay, I'm scared all the time, is there a way I might be able to not be that way?' and she said 'okay, I want you to take a regular dose of this anxiety med I've already prescribed you and if you can tolerate that, we'll increase the dose again, and then get you on the extended release dose' and I've worked my way up to the extended release dose, and I think one dose beyond that? I'm on 60mg of propranolol a day now, and I'm pretty sure its been helping quite a bit.
I had a week a couple weeks back where I was catastrophizing about the world, and how humans were treating the planet, and other humans, and how and when we were going to help things get better for people, treat other human beings like human beings, like having respect for our planet as the parent of us all, about the guilt I feel for being a white American settler and the doubt I have about being a good person, etc. At this point I'm pretty sure my therapist told me that I don't need to be Jesus or the Buddha and also helped me with grounding, also the book on Zen Buddhism I'm reading in the bathroom. Helping me to accept the way the world is in the present, especially the things I have no hope of changing, helping me to love the people around me, even the strangers, even the assholes (to a certain extent lmao).
I've gotten back into reading actual books, mostly because of my library, and my library's sales they hold every month. This last time I spent like $11 on 15 books, and a few of those books would sell for like $30 each at the bookstore (specifically the books about gardening, and the science of yoga). So I might have gotten a little bit addicted to buying used books, but I've also gathered up some old books at home and taken them and turned them into the used bookstore and donating the ones the bookstore wouldn't take to the library (for their book sales). One of the books I've read recently by Robin Wall Kimmerer talks about reciprocity and talks about how public libraries are a really good example of reciprocity in action and that's what I'm kind of doing.
I also feel as if I'm stocking up on books for some bad Thing to happen that might keep me in the house for long periods of time.Like Athoritarianism rising up and hunting down trans people for camps after this country has illegally kicked out all the brown people. I am pretty proud of my state for standing up for itself (for the most part), and for showing everyone how ridiculous these I/C/E assholes are.
I have more to talk about: C. J. Cherryh's Foreigner series and how she's inspiring me to (maybe) start (thinking about) writing again as a career (even with AI potentially threatening it), An Exchange of Hostages by Susan R Matthews which I really enjoyed reading, Arcane and Jayvik which I'm actually writing a Big Bang for, playing Whisper in the House and Slay the Spire, a new friend at Gamestop, joining a private discord (on invitation from my new friend at gamestop), sis's boyfriend sticking around and making her happy (so far), being proud of her for healing and learning limits and riding the bus even if it scares hell out of her, and more that I'm surely forgetting lmao. I think I'm going to go take some anxiety med and see if I'm anxious or if it's my stomach making me anxious. I'm not fond at all about how much control my gut has over the way I feel emotionally second only to my hormones and chronic pain looooool
Before all that I'd half-jokingly told a guy at my local used bookstore that if he ever needed to hire anyone (because he'd been talking to some other customers about reopening a store in another town) I was available and he told me to give him a resume. I said that it wouldn't be a good resume and he said that didn't really matter just having the thing might help him to like remember I'd applied lmao. So I worked on my resume, printed it out at Staples and handed it in. I again told him it wasn't great and he said almost the only requirement was that I needed to like books and he knew I did that so. We'll see if he ever calls. He did say he wasn't hiring currently, but who knows, maybe in the future lol. I'd be suprised, but I'm surprised that I applied and didn't chicken out in first place, so.
Part of all this might be that I finally frankly sat down with my psych and went 'okay, I'm scared all the time, is there a way I might be able to not be that way?' and she said 'okay, I want you to take a regular dose of this anxiety med I've already prescribed you and if you can tolerate that, we'll increase the dose again, and then get you on the extended release dose' and I've worked my way up to the extended release dose, and I think one dose beyond that? I'm on 60mg of propranolol a day now, and I'm pretty sure its been helping quite a bit.
I had a week a couple weeks back where I was catastrophizing about the world, and how humans were treating the planet, and other humans, and how and when we were going to help things get better for people, treat other human beings like human beings, like having respect for our planet as the parent of us all, about the guilt I feel for being a white American settler and the doubt I have about being a good person, etc. At this point I'm pretty sure my therapist told me that I don't need to be Jesus or the Buddha and also helped me with grounding, also the book on Zen Buddhism I'm reading in the bathroom. Helping me to accept the way the world is in the present, especially the things I have no hope of changing, helping me to love the people around me, even the strangers, even the assholes (to a certain extent lmao).
I've gotten back into reading actual books, mostly because of my library, and my library's sales they hold every month. This last time I spent like $11 on 15 books, and a few of those books would sell for like $30 each at the bookstore (specifically the books about gardening, and the science of yoga). So I might have gotten a little bit addicted to buying used books, but I've also gathered up some old books at home and taken them and turned them into the used bookstore and donating the ones the bookstore wouldn't take to the library (for their book sales). One of the books I've read recently by Robin Wall Kimmerer talks about reciprocity and talks about how public libraries are a really good example of reciprocity in action and that's what I'm kind of doing.
I also feel as if I'm stocking up on books for some bad Thing to happen that might keep me in the house for long periods of time.
I have more to talk about: C. J. Cherryh's Foreigner series and how she's inspiring me to (maybe) start (thinking about) writing again as a career (even with AI potentially threatening it), An Exchange of Hostages by Susan R Matthews which I really enjoyed reading, Arcane and Jayvik which I'm actually writing a Big Bang for, playing Whisper in the House and Slay the Spire, a new friend at Gamestop, joining a private discord (on invitation from my new friend at gamestop), sis's boyfriend sticking around and making her happy (so far), being proud of her for healing and learning limits and riding the bus even if it scares hell out of her, and more that I'm surely forgetting lmao. I think I'm going to go take some anxiety med and see if I'm anxious or if it's my stomach making me anxious. I'm not fond at all about how much control my gut has over the way I feel emotionally second only to my hormones and chronic pain looooool
