This really is my vent journal
Jan. 1st, 2026 07:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsMy sis said something today that really touched upon the kind of daily insecurity I go through (I shouldn't say daily, this generally happens in cyclic waves, I'm just going through a depressed period). I asked her to clean the air fryer after she cooks beef in there because I don't eat beef and when there's fried beef chunks in the basket I feel like I can't cook stuff in there for myself.
But [my name] you say, couldn't you just clean it yourself? Yes, I could, and no, I can't. It's a constant struggle I have with my chronic fatigue. I could carry the basket to the (hopefully empty) sink, (but probably not so I'll have to do dishes to clean this dish), scrap the leftovers... I'm discovering that I don't know how to clean this thing. Which takes more energy.
It's just been a rough day, woke up with my heart pounding after a dream in which some random asshole wanted my passwords and when I kept giving him fake ones he punched me in the face, then my dad was somehow alive and he rescued me. Then I wake up and go downstairs and my sister and J are watching the saddest anime ever (the one about a deaf girl and her ex-bully) where I cry a little and get emotional (which takes energy).
So I've been overstimulated from before I woke up and when I ask my sis to do the air fryer, she jokingly says "you're just taking advantage of me!" which is like, my worst fear. Because a part of me is convinced that I am taking advantage of her and that what she says is actually what she feels.
Last night was rough too because she fell down the stairs and we worried she'd hurt herself pretty bad but she'd just hit her tailbone which was pretty painful and worried me and J.
I'm also struggling with me and sis having 'competing' disabilities. She's getting used to the idea that she can't do as much as she used to because if she overdoes it she faints. I'm a little further along in the 'coping with my limits' track than she is but I also don't have a super dangerous and dramatic thing happen to me when I overdo it. I just get more and more tired, and more and more psychologically fucked up and my body starts to eat itself (lol, I get stress hives that my dermatologist says might be a connective tissue thing but since it isn't too bad it doesn't need to be treated because the treatment would be worse than my symptoms which is so far painful sores on my hands and my chronic pain and anxiety gets worse).
It's also hard having a strange man in the house. He seems nice, but he's very quiet, and for some reason I'm scared of cis men even though the people that have treated me the worst in my life have actually been women. Again, he has points for being queer, but anti-points because I'm a super-introvert that loses energy when around people and extra loses energy when I'm around new people in my home.
I'm also feeling alone and separated, because my sis has this new person, I'm not and won't be when he moves in, her main avenue of human interaction. I should turn that around, I'll be losing her as my main avenue of human interaction. I might gain J as a human interaction but he's also someone new who can judge me as a leech taking advantage of my sister, sleeping all day and not doing anything in the house (at least compared to what my sis is doing) and hearing any complaining that my sister may or may not does about me.
So my sis cleaned the air fryer and then asked me when we're sitting on the couch if I'm using the air fryer and I said no and she asked then why did you want the air fryer clean and I didn't know how to tell her that I was too tired to even make something in the air fryer but that what if I did later and then it wouldn't be clean and she wouldn't be awake to clean it and ughhhhhhhhh.
Then this moodiness and exhaustion is because I had to go out on three days in a row. Two trips to the city to drop off/pick up my sister, then a trip to walmart where I sat in the parking lot and read because I knew I was way too tired to go inside. If anything this is 'proof' that I probably can't work a normal job and say relatively healthy and happy. But then I fall into, well no one is equipped to work in a failing capitalist system and stay healthy.
I feel like universal basic income needs to become a thing, and also that the people who work don't work more than like four hours a day. That seems like a decent amount of time. I'd prefer two but we take what we can get. So if we want people to work the necessary jobs that uphold society we should probably make it as easy as we can.
Oh and on top of all this is my usual anxiety about the end of the world and the collapse of society. No biggie.
Now I'm upstairs hiding from sis and J who are watching the new season of Fallout downstairs which I don't want to watch and if I were to stay downstairs I would inadvertently watch just like I watched the sad anime that made me sad and drained my energy.
So according to the 'you're taking advantage of me' theory I need to do more to keep up the end of my bargain in the house. So I'm thinking of hiring someone to come over and clean and move things. Maybe I'll ask sis to go halvsies on it because theoretically it would benefit both of us. I'll do some research and ask. It's the first day of the new year and I'm already exhausted.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm glad there's somewhere I can pretend that someone is reading this and sympathizing maybe.
But [my name] you say, couldn't you just clean it yourself? Yes, I could, and no, I can't. It's a constant struggle I have with my chronic fatigue. I could carry the basket to the (hopefully empty) sink, (but probably not so I'll have to do dishes to clean this dish), scrap the leftovers... I'm discovering that I don't know how to clean this thing. Which takes more energy.
It's just been a rough day, woke up with my heart pounding after a dream in which some random asshole wanted my passwords and when I kept giving him fake ones he punched me in the face, then my dad was somehow alive and he rescued me. Then I wake up and go downstairs and my sister and J are watching the saddest anime ever (the one about a deaf girl and her ex-bully) where I cry a little and get emotional (which takes energy).
So I've been overstimulated from before I woke up and when I ask my sis to do the air fryer, she jokingly says "you're just taking advantage of me!" which is like, my worst fear. Because a part of me is convinced that I am taking advantage of her and that what she says is actually what she feels.
Last night was rough too because she fell down the stairs and we worried she'd hurt herself pretty bad but she'd just hit her tailbone which was pretty painful and worried me and J.
I'm also struggling with me and sis having 'competing' disabilities. She's getting used to the idea that she can't do as much as she used to because if she overdoes it she faints. I'm a little further along in the 'coping with my limits' track than she is but I also don't have a super dangerous and dramatic thing happen to me when I overdo it. I just get more and more tired, and more and more psychologically fucked up and my body starts to eat itself (lol, I get stress hives that my dermatologist says might be a connective tissue thing but since it isn't too bad it doesn't need to be treated because the treatment would be worse than my symptoms which is so far painful sores on my hands and my chronic pain and anxiety gets worse).
It's also hard having a strange man in the house. He seems nice, but he's very quiet, and for some reason I'm scared of cis men even though the people that have treated me the worst in my life have actually been women. Again, he has points for being queer, but anti-points because I'm a super-introvert that loses energy when around people and extra loses energy when I'm around new people in my home.
I'm also feeling alone and separated, because my sis has this new person, I'm not and won't be when he moves in, her main avenue of human interaction. I should turn that around, I'll be losing her as my main avenue of human interaction. I might gain J as a human interaction but he's also someone new who can judge me as a leech taking advantage of my sister, sleeping all day and not doing anything in the house (at least compared to what my sis is doing) and hearing any complaining that my sister may or may not does about me.
So my sis cleaned the air fryer and then asked me when we're sitting on the couch if I'm using the air fryer and I said no and she asked then why did you want the air fryer clean and I didn't know how to tell her that I was too tired to even make something in the air fryer but that what if I did later and then it wouldn't be clean and she wouldn't be awake to clean it and ughhhhhhhhh.
Then this moodiness and exhaustion is because I had to go out on three days in a row. Two trips to the city to drop off/pick up my sister, then a trip to walmart where I sat in the parking lot and read because I knew I was way too tired to go inside. If anything this is 'proof' that I probably can't work a normal job and say relatively healthy and happy. But then I fall into, well no one is equipped to work in a failing capitalist system and stay healthy.
I feel like universal basic income needs to become a thing, and also that the people who work don't work more than like four hours a day. That seems like a decent amount of time. I'd prefer two but we take what we can get. So if we want people to work the necessary jobs that uphold society we should probably make it as easy as we can.
Oh and on top of all this is my usual anxiety about the end of the world and the collapse of society. No biggie.
Now I'm upstairs hiding from sis and J who are watching the new season of Fallout downstairs which I don't want to watch and if I were to stay downstairs I would inadvertently watch just like I watched the sad anime that made me sad and drained my energy.
So according to the 'you're taking advantage of me' theory I need to do more to keep up the end of my bargain in the house. So I'm thinking of hiring someone to come over and clean and move things. Maybe I'll ask sis to go halvsies on it because theoretically it would benefit both of us. I'll do some research and ask. It's the first day of the new year and I'm already exhausted.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm glad there's somewhere I can pretend that someone is reading this and sympathizing maybe.
